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Carmen Sandiego

That’s not the title of an educational video game for the Apple II and Amstrad CPC, but the latest in a series of puzzlers fit for Wigan Latics’ Christmas fun and games annual.

Just where on earth could those mischievous goal-hangers Will Grigg (codename Wilberforce Griggson-Fire) and Adam Le Fondre (codename ‘ALF’) be hiding?

Since our regular private detective is currently ‘refusing’ to answer his telephone, we decided to conduct our own very thorough investigation. After consulting the Encarta 97 CD that came free with our copy of Windows 98, we have narrowed our search down to the following locations:

  • Burnley. They both entered the wrong address into their GPS and ended up there instead of Barnsley. Voice recognition still has a long way to go, at least on Ford Zephyr sat navs.
  • The Pennines. Griggsy and ALF are held up at customs on the Lancashire-Yorkshire border. Since neither have their passport, they have been forced to sample watery tea and sugarless biscuits in a dank, featureless mountainside hut… for a whole week.
  • HM Prison Wakefield. They were initially apprehended on suspicion of tampering with the Oakwell floodlights, but later questioned over the theft of a point.
  • Kerguelen. They’re just now returning from their autumn holidays in the French Southern and Antarctic Lands. Since there are no airports on the island of Grande Terre, they are forced to swim the full 8,300 miles from Port-aux-Francais to Higher Ince.
  • Inside their inch-long stubble. They were each swallowed by their burgeoning Movember beards. Not such a silly suggestion, as Nick Powell collapsed under the incredible weight of his own glorious 5 o’ clock shadow at Oakwell.

Our extensive research has led us to believe that the final option is most likely. It also provides an answer to the question of where Jordi Gomez’s beard might have disappeared to – he simply shaved it off, having seen how the extra weight can put strain on your hamstring. Just ask Adam Bogdan… if you can afford the train fare to Liverpool.

But since Mr Gomez has not been seen for a few weeks now, one must assume that he is presently throat-deep in a forest of brown fur. If you see anyone resembling Chewbacca or Cousin Itt at your local Christmas Party, please return them to Robin Park immediately.

Garmin Winnebago
23 November 2016

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