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Latics v Ipswich was a game that defied all logic. Why the insistence on goal scoring all of a sudden? And why such vitriol towards an unfortunate man that misplaced his contact lenses? Well, I think you know the answer to at least one of those supposedly rhetorical questions.

But for everything else, here are your alternative match highlights of a game that yielded so much more entertainment than a decade of Sky One Christmas specials.

The catalogue of cackle worthy carp

Sharpy’s first signing of the window: Mr Kipling. Well, those ‘free’ mince pies on the East Stand concourse were probably made by Mr Poundsavah, but still…

An over-eager Yanic Wildschut pelting into Ipswich’s half before the game had even started, causing the kick-off to be retaken. This totally flummoxed the scoreboard operator, who instead of resetting the counter just left it running. I don’t blame them – once you’ve activated the 5ft 65kg mechanical lever marked ‘start/stop scoreboard clock’, you need at least 7 minutes to recover.

Ipswich keeper Bartosz ‘Bartman’ Bialkowski being physically floored by the sheer force of Max Power’s incredible strike. He made three attempts to regain his feet before actually finding the strength to do so… after the game had kicked off again.

Dan Burn’s insistence on bashing the ball as far away from Jussi’s goal as early as possible. After being penalised for two seemingly clean tackles, he decided to remove all element of risk… until the third Ipswich goal, that is. When Burn reverted to centre forward for the final five minutes, he was in great danger of receiving a second booking for ‘playing out of position’.

Warren Joyce falling on his ChristmASS as he vacated his technical area to retrieve the ball. At least he didn’t ruin his best trousers… which have been safely stored in a dark corner of his attic for almost 20 years now.

Jussi Jaaskelainen receiving a yellow card for daring to correct the referee’s obvious mistakes. “That’ll teach you for stating the blindingly obvious, JJ,” grumbled Stroud as he flashed his card disapprovingly.

Playing a game of ‘who’s got the ball?’ through fog thicker than your mother’s turkey gravy. Some Ipswich fans in the North Stand still believe the game finished 5-3, since they had to rely upon crowd reaction to determine whether Latics had scored at the opposite end of the pitch.

And that’s it.

Right, I’m off to campaign for this game to be replayed on the grounds of poor visibility, a fact that was initially ignored due to the fact Latics were winning.   If I am successful, dear reader, please consider that my present you this Christmas!

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